What Ifs

Welcome to the Spot Writers. This month’s prompt is “starting over.” 

This week’s contribution comes from Chiara De Giorgi. Chiara is currently in Berlin, Germany, doing her best to catch up with semi-abandoned writing projects. Her YA novel “Mi chiamo Elisa” was published in Italy by “Le Mezzelane Casa Editrice” in September 2020. Coming soon, a children’s book about Quantum Theory: “Chiara e il gatto di Schrödinger”.

 ***

What Ifs

by Chiara De Giorgi

 

photo by hdrumev on FreeImages

It started as a game my therapist asked me to play in order to fight off anxiety.

Any time I noticed that my brain fixated on all that could go wrong, I was supposed to divert my thoughts to more pleasing and favourable scenarios.

For example, let’s say I found something in the mailbox. On a bad day, I’d start wondering who might have sent me a letter, what they had to communicate that they couldn’t do in any other way, it must be something serious! What if I had broken the law and now they were coming for me, then I’d have to pay a fine, and I didn’t have money to waste on that as I wasn’t rich, and how could I keep paying the rent and the bills if I had to pay a fine, maybe I would have to take on another job, or to ask for a loan, which would be hard to pay back, if I was even eligible for a loan, that is, and… and… and… Before I knew it, my heart was beating furiously in my chest, throbbing in my ears, my breath was short, and my vision was getting blurred. What I had to do in those cases, my therapist said, was to find as many positive “What Ifs” as I could and jot them down on a piece of paper until my heartbeat was back to normal. What if I had won a prize? What if it was an invitation to an event? What if it was my tax return? And so on.

I got into the habit of writing my good What Ifs on post-it notes and sticking them to my bedroom door. Soon I had it covered on both sides, so I moved on to the living room door, then to the kitchen door, to the bathroom, and soon I was out of doors, so I started sticking my What Ifs on the walls.

What if the weather is good? What if the train is on time? What if the store is not out of eggs? What if I am not terminally ill? What if my friend comes to see me? What if I find a dress that fits me? What if I can jog for twenty minutes? What if I can bake a decent cake? What if that person genuinely wants to be my friend? What if I did a good job? What if they like my present? What if the car does not break down?

After I had filled all the walls with post-its, I decided to start a blog – and I called it “What if”, of course. It turned out, the one question I hadn’t asked myself – What if someone else likes this idea? – found a positive answer. So many people started sending me their own What Ifs!

What if she likes me? What if I pass the exam? What if I get my driver’s licence? What if my son is going to heal? What if he’s not cheating on me? What if my boss gives me a pay rise? What if I get the job? What if I am not evicted? What if my bike is not stolen?

Such a way to consider the world, life, the future! Such a way to collect dreams!

And then, one day I realized I could not even remember when the last time I suffered from anxiety was. And the thought of anxiety, which was usually enough to trigger an accelerated heartbeat, left me unperturbed. What if I’m healed? I asked myself, and then I had to smile. The sun had never shined so bright.

 

*****

The Spot Writers—Our Members:

Val Muller: http://www.valmuller.com/blog/

Catherine A. MacKenzie: https://writingwicket.wordpress.com/wicker-chitter/

Phil Yeats: https://alankemisterauthor.wordpress.com/

Chiara De Giorgi: https://chiaradegiorgi.blogspot.com/